Sometimes I’ll stay up really late thinking about my life, my future, the career in music I might never have….
Sometimes I’ll look out across the street and see light in the windows of my strange neighbours and know their thinking the same thing. Where do I go from here? Has everything I’ve done in the past been building up to one moment of catastrophic failure? Will it ever get any better than this? Will anyone care for more than a few minutes if I died right now? Should they? Should that bother me? It’s a phenomenon we try to ignore most of our lives, unless of course you’re a Goth. Or an Emo.
I don’t think we have authentic ones in this, our ‘beloved’ country. If they do exist and they’re hiding it then I guess their living up to expectations; dark dangerous creatures of the night taking the form of ordinary human beings but partaking of human sacrifices in the secrecy of their dungeons. Death scares me. What I wouldn’t give to be a vampire right about now. Then again, who wants to live through eternity? Alive but not living, dead but breathing…
Death. Seems to be happening everywhere nowadays. Could be that I’m just paying more attention than I used to. And the fact that I’m aging noticeably isn’t helping. Sort of makes one realize that everyone is born dying. Some just take longer to burn out. There it is again; that negativity that latches onto my ankle and won’t let go. Relationships don’t work for me. I have too many flaws and rather than wait to be left for them, I make them known and then proceed to break up with my ‘boyfriends’ on their behalf. Stupid I know, but I can’t seem to help myself.
Ships are sailing and I’m standing at the docks waving goodbye to my many possible future. Planes and trains take off, cars drive away and here I am, still waving. It’s as if I’m waiting for something but I don’t know it. Ever wonder why things are going the way they are despite your every wish and attempt to make them go the other way? That exactly is my situation. If I could only find a direction, just one direction, not a forked road, to take and never look back, then life would be much simpler. But life is never that simple is it. It’s a fucking catastrophe if you think about it.
It’s funny now that I think about it, it actually makes sense. The reason God makes us forget things as we get older is because if we did remember, especially all the bad we’ve been through, we wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’m all for forgetfulness. It’s my favorite thing after Music, John Mayer and Meat and Michael Buble. Sometimes I even forget how broke I am and when I do remember, I wonder how I survive from month to month and not lose a single gram of weight.
