Foghorn anyone?

A few times during the past few weeks, I have wanted to purchase a foghorn, like we used to have back in the '80s and '90s to scare thieves.

Here’s why. Every time I walk near a bus stop – whether I’m actually going to take a bus or just happen to be passing through – about 10 drivers hoot at me.

And it’s not because I’m well dressed or exceptionally attractive, no. They’re under the false impression that deafening me as I approach their vehicle will somehow make me want to jump on board. It won’t.

Fine. I understand their logic. Catch their attention before they scatter away. The problem is, it works against them – most of the time. Since women are the majority, everywhere – except in levels of authority – these guys should know that we, are like birds.

Loud noises scare us! They don’t attract us. Hooting at me won’t get me or the one thousand other women into your car. I’ll run in the opposite direction.

But let’s say it does work, and I board this guy’s matatu, who’s just busted my eardrums and given me a temporary concussion. Doesn't he think that I would want to pay him back?

WELL, I DO!!!

This is where the foghorn comes in. Most car horns sound exactly like foghorns. How glorious would it be, if, you and I walked around with foghorns in our bags (or pockets, they make them small enough nowadays). And once we got hooted at, entered the culprit’s vehicle, snuggled into the seat directly behind him, got out our weapons and blew out his ear too?

Diabolical, I know. But in a world where every single man has got to defend his own rights, I’d like the choice to protect myself, and perhaps the next gal or guy this crazy hooter has in his sights.

I’d be a little bothered about causing a driver’s ear to bleed, but, suffering the noise and half-deafness every single day is not right either.

Not doing something about it, is as good as saying you really don’t care about the fact that you can hear.

There are deaf people among us who say it’s a lot quieter for them, of course, but that’s not to say that some of them wouldn’t want to hear the sound of music, or their baby laughing.

Those of us who can, need to appreciate our hearing by fighting the noise pollution... with more noise pollution. That or we can all walk around with industrial ear muffs everywhere we go.

I vote for the foghorn because, NEMA ain’t doing jack about it now. They can’t possibly arrest us for polluting the air with noise. Can they?

So, I entered the Airtel Trace Music Star contest...

I understand now why most actors don't watch movies they've starred in. Why scriptwriters don't watch movies they've written.

In my old age, I have decided to enter the above mentioned singing contest, and by a miracle of God, I ended up in a Google Hangout with Akon himself. I had done no research on the man at all, other than watching a few of his collabos with the King of Pop, my favourite rapper Eminen and some of his first successful singles.

So here I am at the Google offices in Westlands, Nairobi. Never been there, never been part of a hangout before, don't know what to expect. But it sounds easy enough, so after 2 days of  "performance anxiety" and a gut of mush (butterflies are for sissies), I'm sitting there, as calm as a lake at dawn.

'Will they ask me to sing?' I wonder. I don't know. Ready for everything.
'Will my mind go blank as it is wont to do in the face of pressure?'
'Will guys look at my funnily shaped head and go "What's wrong with your head, dudette?"'
"Will my dreadlocks hurt my chances?"
"What the hell do I look like on TV?"

All this time I'm nibbling at some fruity cake, and checking out my reflection in the laptop Biggie (A larger than life Google tech guy) had set up for me.

Why do I look so yellow? I point up with what I hope is an inquisitive look on my face.
"It's the lights," Biggie agrees.

Someone's giving us instructions. Somehow, I'm able to follow her instructions and my own train of thought without getting confused. And don't forget, the cake is still getting nibbled. Multi-tasking ninja!

Suddenly, Akon's in one of the screens. First thing he does is lean in, presumably to see the faces of the people at the hangout. This is followed by a swift, nose-pick. Thankfully, my mic is muted so he doesn't hear me laugh and say "Ew!" and "My Negro! You're one of us!!!!"

Don't deny it, you go fishing inside your nostrils on a regular basis when no one's looking.

And then Larry Madowo is on. Then Mosh (John Muchiri) then Muthoni "Not the drag queen" Ndonga. (I wonder if she's from that family that has a supermarket in Kagwe). Njeri Mwaura, Charles from Airtel. And I'm like, 'we really all look like we know what we're doing here'.

Alright. As soon as we go live, Akon's face changes from inquisitive boredom to: "Hi! I was created to make you happy and comfortable. And you're going to like me whether you like it or not."

I wanted to ask a bunch of stuff, none of which I remember now. But in my fear of looking stupid, I went ahead and looked even stupider by tweeting on my 2011, Samsung Galaxy. Yes. It still works. No one's talking about this. Good. I only told my sister and my friend Pauline. It's not like I won the lottery so I'll keep this under wraps until I have something worthwhile.

But what is that saying about not despising small beginnings?

Larry keeps throwing 'chances' at me. Each time, I have no idea what he means, but I end up asking something silly, but Akon, being the star he is salvages it by responding in a matter befitting a Diplomat.

"This is an amazing opportunity for shy singers," I say, "How did you start out! Have you worked with rock artistes? Would you want to? Are you a slave driver?"

Notice the downward progression of that line of questioning. I sound like a dumb cop, interrogating a smart criminal who can tell I'm dumb as hell. Like a diplomat, he answers and answers and answers.

"We're in it for the money. No I haven't worked with rock artistes, but I would consider it. Absolutely, I'd drive you to work. You have to work hard."

"I have no political ambitions," my foot! This guy has it in his blood. He may not want to be a politician, but like Jonah, he's getting swallowed by a whale - politics. He'd be the only other honest politician in the world, after Pope Francis.

Before I know it, the hangout is over and I'm sad that I didn't get to sing. Everyone talked. Everyone asked questions. Some were smarter than others. As usual, the self-deprecator in me goes into overdrive (sounds like an Incubus song)

The wonderful people at Google take us to the Sankara for dinner. We're there until almost midnight. It's a Thai Restaurant. To be safe, I order soup and only water. But I think the food there was specifically to give you a good night's sleep because, as soon as I slurp the last of my stuff, I'm pining for a soft pillow.

Struggling to keep my eyes open. How do they do it? All these stars who perform every night for months on end? Drugs. No? Some people were just made for late nights and bright lights. Some need a little help along those lines.

But I guess I must really want it, because I can't stop thinking about it. Not even after I've prayed about it.

And I guess this is as good a time as any to ask you, whoever you are, to listen to my recording, and if you like it, VOTE!!! for me.

Call 0900733733 enter my code 54101412, and vote for it.

or

Text my code 54101412 to 337337


You can also enter the contest yourself by calling  0900733733

Thank you!!!

The ‘modern Kenyan woman’ unveiled

The married woman in Kenya feels more vulnerable to contracting HIV, income loss and un-expected pregnancy than her single counterpart.

This disturbing information is revealed in a DAMA research report by Consumer Insight, during which 1300 women from Nairobi, Mombasa, Kisumu, Nyeri and Eldoret were interviewed.

Despite the fears expressed by the married women, a church wedding remains high on the list of ideals they wish to keep. Even then, only a few more than one third of the ‘married’ women interviewed have had a religious wedding. Most settle for customary or come-we-stay arrangements.

Almost 26 per cent of the married women say they married 'the wrong man' and one third of them do not live with their husbands. About 10 per cent of the women surveyed, want a civil wedding, and exactly the same number had one. Even more curiously, about 20 per cent find it acceptable for a woman to propose marriage to a man.

The single woman feels better able to control encounters that may lead to harm. Both the young and those over 30 believe that life is moving too fast and that home is a retreat and refuge from the busy world; a place they can go to unwind by watching series on DVD all day or simply sleeping all weekend.

The study, ‘aimed at better understanding the woman and their impact on the social-economic fabric of the country’, also showed that the many faces you see in church on Sunday morning, are likely to be the very same faces getting down and dirty in clubs the night before. Women’s finances, media use, shopping behaviour and lifestyle choices were also covered in this study.

DAMA showed that while women want to own households, they dislike household chores. They are also technology addicts but like to take a break from it all and just sleep. The study also showed that married women over 30 watch and listen to a lot more TV and radio than their younger counterparts who prefer the Internet. Far fewer young women use email, suggesting that social media like WhatsApp may be the future of online communication and entertainment.

For an ideal life, the Kenyan women cited money, a good job, good house, good education and family as being most important, the last of which is favoured by the woman over 30. World Peace is equally important to the young and old.

Who and what they admire

Ambition, Nelson Mandela, Wangari Maathai and a new addition, First Lady Margaret Kenyatta are all things the modern Kenyan woman admires. Impulse shopping for clothes and shoes is another way to indulge the self, and Kenyan women pursue 'retail therapy' with a vengeance. More than 60 per cent say they bought clothes at least once a month. Eight per cent bought clothes at least once a week. More than three quarters of these shoppers, favour second-hand markets.

When it came to hair care, braids rule but weaves were in the top five as well. More than 60 per cent of the money spent on hair-care went to artificial hair types. The consolation here is that close to 90 per cent believe that beauty for Kenyan women is grounded in internal values and in self-belief rather than appearance.  Overall, behind every shopper, wife, clubber and mother, is an income earner. It comes as no surprise then that a majority (how many) of the women surveyed said they earned a personal income.

For married women, business is a vital source of income, while a good percentage also works in active employment, where they enjoy equality to a high degree. A surprising 90 per cent say they have experienced no discrimination for being female. Whether they were treated preferentially is not clear. That is the modern Kenyan woman.

Natasha Likimani writes movie scripts to the top

This article was first published in the SATURDAY NATION on Saturday, November 1, 2014.

NATASHA LIKIMANI always wanted to be a movie star; she still does. But somewhere in between anchoring and acting, the screenwriter within her was birthed. Her success as a scriptwriter and the triumph of Veve, one of her most notable works, remind us that awfully valuable lesson – that school can’t teach you anything you’re not willing to learn; but when you really want to know something, not even a lack of schooling can hold you back. She speaks to NJERI MUCHAI about her life, work, the current state of film in Kenya, and the little things we can do that will cause major shifts in the industry.

Born Saturday, February 6, 1982 – a birthday she proudly shares with Reggae king, Bob Marley – Natasha makes her life look easy. It’s not. Full of accomplishments that would make many wither with inadequacy, the 32-year-old has written nearly 20 movie, television and radio scripts, and all without ‘formal’ training. She learnt on the job. A self-admitted introvert, Natasha has also penned a children’s book Mrembo and the Ant Queen – published by Oxford University Press, East Africa.

And although her focus in now fully on writing scripts, she has also been a graphic and fashion designer – gifts she has since buried – as well as a chalk artiste and a poet. Both of these she does to calm herself, and deal with whatever issues crop up in life. Natasha is not shabby, but she’s not overly flamboyant either. Comfort chic – glamour that you can walk in – is her preferred fashion style. She however enjoys the occasional piercing, ten of which are in her ears. A polite chin ring and a-once-upon-a-time nose ring, still adorn her face. Tattoos? Why not!

What if writing hadn’t worked out, I want to know. She most likely to have been an actress, an environmentalist or a guerrilla crime fighter taking refuge in Karura Forest, where she’d run back to save the trees. Lucky for us, writing did work out for this pilau and chapati loving, introverted, young artiste.

How did all this start?

I was working as a news anchor at KBC and knew one of the actors at Makutano Junction, Emily Wanja. When she told me they were auditioning, I went, got the part and then in the next season, I applied for a writing job.

No more acting?

Screenwriting takes a lot of energy so I haven't really concentrated on acting.

But if you could, what local shows would you like to be cast in?

Let’s see... I wouldn’t mind doing some comedy but I don’t think I’m funny. The Real Housewives of Kawangware... I think that’s so cool.

What other stuff have you written?

I work mainly in TV because that's where the consistent work and money is. I've worked on Demigods (NTV), Tahidi High (Citizen TV), Kona (Africa Magic) as a writer and assistant script editor. I also have about 6 television movies on Africa Magic Maisha. One is called Clandestine, based on that klande culture, but, I added a twist; what if you’re newly married and your klande won't let you go, no matter what?

Sometimes I just take a step back and think of a way to make it more entertaining than realistic. That's TV. With movies like Veve, I had to be as realistic as possible so that the audience could go: 'that just happened to me the other day.'

How did your family react to Veve?

[Her sister Wacheke, who came along for the interview, laughs] She's laughing because she knows... I didn't take my mom to the Premier because I wondered; will mum be okay watching this type of movie? So we decided, we'd go together again, my sisters Naisola, Waceke and I. But I didn't watch it again because I couldn’t be in the same cinema with mum watching.

When they came out of the cinema, they were all looking down; mum was shaking her head and said "Oi, Tasha!" And my sisters played along. Then they all went: "Psyche!!!”

I think that for the first time [mum] understood the obsession I had for all those years; that it was not just a dream. I'm actually going for it. I loved watching cartoons – Tom and Jerry, Pink Panther – and I used to emulate them. The fact that I still do those things now, and that I wrote something she actually liked; that for me was like a full-circle moment.

Natasha (left) with sisters Naisola and Waceke and Veve actor Emo Rugene

Did you favour any characters in Veve?

I loved them all, but I really liked Sammy (Conrad Makeni) and his son Kago (David Wambugu), there was something there that I really liked. But I liked also, the politician (Lowry Odhiambo) because that’s how our politicians are.

How about the actors themselves? Who was most on-point?

Savara Mudigi (Julius), now that’s a character who when I wrote him, he was meant to be just nasty.

And Savara brought it?

He was so nasty. It would be nice to see him stretch his acting muscles because, he has something.

How long before it’s on DVD?

Two years... otherwise we’ll be buying it for 50bob. I think it needs to win its accolades around the world and then be on DVD, TV and Cable.

Do you get a cut every time it shows?

No. In such a scenario when someone options a script, what they pay, is what they pay you. You can choose to say ‘I get a cut’, but I wasn’t well known enough yet make such a deal.

You are now.

Yes. That’s why I did it. Veve has launched me internationally, so I didn’t even care whether this one made a million dollars and I didn’t get a cut; I wasn’t doing it for the money.

Were you present when Veve was being shot?

Not this time. There is that option, but I don’t want to harm the process. I didn’t even watch Veve until the premier.

Would you want to direct at all?

It’s not my thing, but, I’m starting to think that I should. I wouldn’t mind, but I like the quietness of writing... and acting, you do your thing and you can go back to your room. And the people that I admire, Tina Fey and Shonda Rhimes, they don’t direct so, I’m okay.

What do you do when you’re not writing?

I guess I'm catching up with life. I don't have a very good social life and have to be dragged out of the house to go see people, but yeah, I try to be social... watch movies.

I wish I could say I go bungee jumping but...

So you’re an introvert?

Very much so; but I’ve had to work on being around people. I have friends who drag me along and tell me “It's okay to be yourself”. I'll be that person in the corner... I've got psycho qualities.

Does it help you write, being an introvert?

It gives you time to absorb your environment. For us, it's about paying attention to details, human behaviour, so that when you write a character it's based on somebody.

Do you do all your writing in a team?

For television, I work in a team of four or five people, but the Africa Magic Maisha movies I worked on alone.

What are you working on right now?

I've pitched some stuff I can't talk about. That's the thing about this industry. If you don't have a commissioned TV show, you’re always re-applying for jobs. Sometimes there's a huge gap of no work and then there's a lot of work; you take it all when it comes.

And the pay?

Sometimes, you wait three months before you get paid for a job you’ve already finished. There are, however, some professionals who, as soon as you've written and they've approved your work, they pay you. But you have to be very wise. When the jobs come, you save.

Anything you do on the side to supplement your income?

What else would I be doing? When the jobs come, pay is good enough for you to plan for 6 months. But there'll always be work. Nowadays. A few years ago it was terrible; you couldn't survive off of this industry at all. 2011 was a terrible year.

Screenplay geniuses you like?

Growing up it was Steven Spielberg and Quentin Tarantino; he’s crazy but he’s a genius. [Tarantino] wrote Pulp fiction in like two weeks! Those are the people that I looked up to. Recently, say, the past five years, the partnering team of Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman (Amazing Spiderman, Sleepy Hollow) are the ones I look up to now. But it’s a pity that I have to look that far

How about locally?

Maybe my peers; I’ve always worked with is Damaris Irungu (Jastorina), we’ve written so many projects together. Producer Abby Matere too; I’ve worked with her for over three years. She’s consistent and not corrupt. Wanjiru Kairu; she’s a writer and director. Zippy Nyaruri (Zebu and the photo fish) is another, whose award winning film did so well around the world. I don’t think people realize how successful that short film was. She moved to... Amsterdam?

Why aren’t local channels airing their films? Are they expensive to buy?

No. They have their own view of what the audience wants. But if I’m to be honest, one station decided they were going to be totally local and built their niche. The rest saw how successful they were and followed suit. They were being followers not leaders. And now, Africa Magic and Mnet are building their own niche in terms of the type of movies and series they are showing. So if [local media houses] wanted to find local content and put a call out, they would get a lot of quality short of films and series. Okay maybe not film; that is expensive.

So what should we do?

How it works in Hollywood is, each season has a particular type of show running. Summer, for example, when not many people are indoors, they have very bright and simple stories. They can go a bit deeper with the other seasons.

We need to have that kind of regulation and the understanding that not every Kenyan wants to watch a slapstick comedy. And if you’re going to do drama, it doesn’t have to be family drama. Also, here we run TV shows every week! It would be nice to break it up so that one show runs for a maximum of six months and another for the remainder of the year. That way you have a consistency of different shows. We have shows here that have run for 6 years. There has to be some sort of moderation so that the audience doesn’t get bored.

How do you feel about Spanish soaps?

I grew up loving them; Esmeralda, The Rich Also Cry, No One but you; KBC started with the Spanish soap trend. I think they’re great, but the thing is, they would never buy any of our content to air in their country. Never!

There’s nothing wrong with Spanish and Filipino content, but, we can have the same type of story in a Kenyan context. The stories are basically the same.

So why don’t we do it?

It’s a money thing. It’s cheaper to buy 500 episodes at $5 (Sh450) an episode, have a consistent programme airing that people will like and get ratings. That, or they can spend Sh500,000 per episode for a local soap.

Really? That much for locals?

No, it depends. Some cost Sh250,000 or Sh350,000 and if they’re feeling generous Sh400,000 per episode. But the lowest people can go is Sh200,000.

How do you feel about the adaptation of local books into film?

Some people are doing that right now, but, it’s expensive; especially if it’s a book by a well known author. You need to get the rights which you get for a year or two. If in that time you haven’t done as you said you would, you have to repay or rights are given to someone else. That’s the complication; probably why I haven’t even tried. And yet [adaptations] are the best because already, there’s a following, a great story, and tone...

Do you think we need to make more action movies and series?

Definitely.

Would it be too expensive?

There’s something called guerrilla filmmaking which you can employ in low budget pictures. The Blair Witch Project, which popularized found footage type movies, cost about $12,000 (Sh100,000). We really need to know how to use guerrilla filmmaking techniques where all you have is a HD camera, but know how to shoot. 

Someone who does that successfully is Robert Rodriguez (Desperado, Machette, El Mariachi, Sin City); you’ll see him with just a small camera. He shoots, edits – he’s a genius like that, and you wouldn’t know that he didn’t have a massive crew.

What do you think the government can do to help?

I don’t think [government] understands the industry; its potential, the impact and revenue that can be made. The film fund – I don’t even know where it went. But I hear they’ve helped people.

The best thing they can do is liaise with countries like China and South Africa which put funds out there; not loans like they give here. The King’s Speech, for example, was made from the UK film council lottery. We need to adopt such practices because they launch us internationally.

South Korea – I watch a lot of their movies – has brilliant artists. They get grants and their movies end up being adapted to Hollywood, so they get even more revenue. And you’ll never see India crossing over to Hollywood because 20^th Century Fox and Fox Star Studios have opened studios there and are guaranteed a billion viewers.

But [Kenya] is still very confused. [The Kenya Film Commission] is not asking the right questions and isn’t getting the right kind of help. Kalasha, for example, is a mixture of the Oscars, Emmys, The Golden Globes... just all over the place.

What’s your favourite Kenyan movie so far?

Veve![chuckles]

...that is not Veve...

I love Nairobi Half Life. I think that’s the one that started it all and made me believe that we can really do it. And Kenyans didn’t make a big deal about the two guys kissing, which is good.

Have any favourite Kenyan directors?

Directors are hard... Wanjiru Kairu; but she doesn’t do it as much as I’d like her to. Another is Omfwoko ‘Fwoks’ Aswani (34), who died recently. He was really good.

Favourite local TV series?

Kona! Okay, one that I haven’t written? I like the Real Housewives of Kawangware. What Hapa Kule News is doing is pretty fantastic.

Best actor in Kenya in your opinion?

Conrad Makeni is pretty fantastic. Mkamzee Mwatwela and Carol Midimo too; she does a lot of drama but is also very good at comedy; very funny.

Who do you want to work with internationally?

Steven Spielberg; I’ve wanted to work with him since I watched Jurassic Park. Ben Affleck too, because he’s just brilliant.

Hollywood is obviously in your sights. What would you do if today, you got the chance to work there?

When you get such an opportunity, you have to be aware that there’s a lot that needs to be built back home. I wouldn’t go [to Hollywood] and get lost. I’d go there, make it, and fund a lot of the productions that need to be done here.

Religious, are you?

I am a born again Christian but I don't like the word religious. I really focus on the Bible, reading it and fellowshipping with people; I don't go to church that often. I know I'm going to get smashed for that one [laughs]. Of course I've made mistakes but, it's about going back to God all the time.

Do you still want to go to school?

I gave up on that dream once I found out how much they wanted, I was like “oh! No, I’m not yet that rich.”

And yet you are a professional scriptwriter.

Yeah.

Would you consider passing on the knowledge?

I do. I’m going to be a trainer at the Maisha Film lab in November. I did tell people about it on my Facebook page and WordPress, where I usually post industry updates.

cnjeri@ke.nationmedia.com

@njerish