In my old age, I have decided to enter the above mentioned singing contest, and by a miracle of God, I ended up in a Google Hangout with Akon himself. I had done no research on the man at all, other than watching a few of his collabos with the King of Pop, my favourite rapper Eminen and some of his first successful singles.
So here I am at the Google offices in Westlands, Nairobi. Never been there, never been part of a hangout before, don't know what to expect. But it sounds easy enough, so after 2 days of "performance anxiety" and a gut of mush (butterflies are for sissies), I'm sitting there, as calm as a lake at dawn.
'Will they ask me to sing?' I wonder. I don't know. Ready for everything.
'Will my mind go blank as it is wont to do in the face of pressure?'
'Will guys look at my funnily shaped head and go "What's wrong with your head, dudette?"'
"Will my dreadlocks hurt my chances?"
"What the hell do I look like on TV?"
All this time I'm nibbling at some fruity cake, and checking out my reflection in the laptop Biggie (A larger than life Google tech guy) had set up for me.
Why do I look so yellow? I point up with what I hope is an inquisitive look on my face.
"It's the lights," Biggie agrees.
Someone's giving us instructions. Somehow, I'm able to follow her instructions and my own train of thought without getting confused. And don't forget, the cake is still getting nibbled. Multi-tasking ninja!
Suddenly, Akon's in one of the screens. First thing he does is lean in, presumably to see the faces of the people at the hangout. This is followed by a swift, nose-pick. Thankfully, my mic is muted so he doesn't hear me laugh and say "Ew!" and "My Negro! You're one of us!!!!"
Don't deny it, you go fishing inside your nostrils on a regular basis when no one's looking.
And then Larry Madowo is on. Then Mosh (John Muchiri) then Muthoni "Not the drag queen" Ndonga. (I wonder if she's from that family that has a supermarket in Kagwe). Njeri Mwaura, Charles from Airtel. And I'm like, 'we really all look like we know what we're doing here'.
Alright. As soon as we go live, Akon's face changes from inquisitive boredom to: "Hi! I was created to make you happy and comfortable. And you're going to like me whether you like it or not."
I wanted to ask a bunch of stuff, none of which I remember now. But in my fear of looking stupid, I went ahead and looked even stupider by tweeting on my 2011, Samsung Galaxy. Yes. It still works. No one's talking about this. Good. I only told my sister and my friend Pauline. It's not like I won the lottery so I'll keep this under wraps until I have something worthwhile.
But what is that saying about not despising small beginnings?
Larry keeps throwing 'chances' at me. Each time, I have no idea what he means, but I end up asking something silly, but Akon, being the star he is salvages it by responding in a matter befitting a Diplomat.
"This is an amazing opportunity for shy singers," I say, "How did you start out! Have you worked with rock artistes? Would you want to? Are you a slave driver?"
Notice the downward progression of that line of questioning. I sound like a dumb cop, interrogating a smart criminal who can tell I'm dumb as hell. Like a diplomat, he answers and answers and answers.
"We're in it for the money. No I haven't worked with rock artistes, but I would consider it. Absolutely, I'd drive you to work. You have to work hard."
"I have no political ambitions," my foot! This guy has it in his blood. He may not want to be a politician, but like Jonah, he's getting swallowed by a whale - politics. He'd be the only other honest politician in the world, after Pope Francis.
Before I know it, the hangout is over and I'm sad that I didn't get to sing. Everyone talked. Everyone asked questions. Some were smarter than others. As usual, the self-deprecator in me goes into overdrive (sounds like an Incubus song)
The wonderful people at Google take us to the Sankara for dinner. We're there until almost midnight. It's a Thai Restaurant. To be safe, I order soup and only water. But I think the food there was specifically to give you a good night's sleep because, as soon as I slurp the last of my stuff, I'm pining for a soft pillow.
Struggling to keep my eyes open. How do they do it? All these stars who perform every night for months on end? Drugs. No? Some people were just made for late nights and bright lights. Some need a little help along those lines.
But I guess I must really want it, because I can't stop thinking about it. Not even after I've prayed about it.
And I guess this is as good a time as any to ask you, whoever you are, to listen to my recording, and if you like it, VOTE!!! for me.
Call 0900733733 enter my code 54101412, and vote for it.
or
Text my code 54101412 to 337337
You can also enter the contest yourself by calling 0900733733
Thank you!!!
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