Monday, February 11, 2008

The Long absence

Has not been so bad. I actually have had a little fun, a few screw ups and many, many trials and temptations some of which I have not overcome but will overcome everytime from now on.

Well, let's start with Rezorus. The best thing that ever happened to me. I sang and danced and I totally felt like John Mayer on stage. No actually, my manager tells me I behaved like Jimi Hendrix. The coolest feeling on earth...

Don't know what else to say so I'll sign off now.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

THE SUN HAS SET

On friday afternoon, I went to see my favorite Aunt in hospital...I had just found out that on top of the Ovarian cancer she had been diagnosed with four years ago...she had a hyatus hernia and the cancer had spread to the liver.

before I left I said, "Auntie, I'll come see you tomorrow"
She said,' Yah, you come see me ....' she smiled so I thought ..."Wow, she f eels better already"
When to morrow came, I told my uncle that I would come see her @ 4:00 in the afternoon
She died at 12:00pm

Thursday, September 06, 2007

It's All Good 2

Did I forget to tell you that Deno kissed me twice! Shock! Horror!No. No Horror, just delight. He's got this thing with me, everytime we meet, he's got to kiss my neck or my cheek. I totally love it. I hate to admit it but...there it is. If anyone I know actually reads this....It will be the end of me. He doesn't know this but, it makes me weak in the knees.

I'm wary not to fall for him because, him being a musician and famous and all, the likelyhood of him getting hunted by all other hot chics is like 100% so I won't even try. Sometimes when I'm leaving and I look at him, he looks disappointed and I think for a moment that he actually wants to keep my company. but then I look at who he is and who I am and conclude; what the hell would guy like him want with a reject like me. Anyway, it's all good.

That night at Rezoras, I kept looking at him, just to see if he would look back. He did. And we smiled at each other, twice. But I didn't feel a thing because I had already decided to block myself and only behave mechanically. If he smiles, I smile back. If he wants to kiss me, I offer the cheek. I rest my case. I am totally confused when it comes to men. I simply harden my heart when I fear I'll be hurt. I just wish I could let myself get hurt once....actually I have.

I never learnt how to give myself since then...
&Bondage&

It's All Good

Wednesday night came and i had what I think was a blast. I performed at Rezoras. Two songs. I thought I played the guitar very plainly. The first song was "Matuko Mothe" (my own composition; it means "All the days of my life" and the other one was "Collide", you know, by Howie Day. That's the one that people cheered for. Nobody seemed to like my song.

Any way,before I performed, i went to the Bathroom to check out my face and piss away my anxiety and i noticed that my whole face was one big mountain of bumps.The next day, i discovered that the rest of my body was bumpity bump land. I think its those clothes I bought from Grace, evil woman.Okay, okay, I know its not her fault.I should have washed those clothes before wearing them....but it was an emergencey!!!!REALLY!

You see the evening before, The Editor from the The Nation calls and asks if i can come for an interview. I say yes and agree to be there by 12:30, I have a make up exam that same morning @ 11:00am, the lecturer doesn't show up so I arrange to take the CAT later in the afternoon....after which i have to go change my clothes again, go meet Eric at the Studio and then change my clothes to suit him....AGAIN! So I'm in a Mat to Mada when guess who calls. Eric calls and says that I shouldn't go to Mada coz the "guys" are all in Tao ati at Pasara's.

Now at that very moment I'm thinking to myself, what the f*&#k should I do to show this guy that if he makes an arrangement, he should stick to it or else notify me when he makes changes. Plus, I don't have money to waste zooming up and down town. There are better uses I could put my money to.

But, I remained calm...actually no, i was so f*&cking pissed but i managed to go to the studio, change my clothes and head back for town.

Earth hath no stupidity like that of a man who can't stick to plans, he himself made. Eric says that he's at Pasaras with akina Deno and Steve and whoever else. I get there ..... he says he's on K-street.BUT HE SAID HE WAS AT PASARAS!!!!

If I had been alone, it might have been alright you see i could have just turned on my heels and headed back for home(I couldn't have afforded to set my foot in Pasara's; you pay like 1,000 just to look in) but no. William, my keyboardist was with me and had planned to be out of Rezoras by 9:00. It is now 8:00 and we are still waiting for Eric outside Pasara's nowhere near Rezoras or Westlands for that matter.

I call the guy a million times and he says that I'm becoming rude! Rude? Rude?....Rude is when you tell someone to meet you at 6pm and show up at 10pm unpeturbed. Rude is when you say you're in Pasaras when you are actually on K-street and ask me to wait for you outside Pasaras. for 2 f*%#ing hours.

Anyway, I decided to call my brother Gungun so he could take Will and me to Rezoras. He picks us up and we drive to Westlands in his white rental. My uncle from America who's paid for the car and whom I haven't see for about 15 years, I'm now 22, Kindly offers to buy us supper before we go to Rezoras. I eat a whole pizza alone, Will naively went for the chicken and fries.

Unlce gives me 1,000Kshs and I think to myself "Wow, now i can actually look into Pasara's". Then he lets me keep the change after he bought Will and me supper. Wow, he reminds me so much of my other brother, he's ever giving.

So anyway, we get to Rezoras and the music is too bloody loud. The singers are horrendous, but the guy on the drums is kinda cute and he plays like a rock star. The guitarist is one of our omore famous actors from Better Days ( what a hunk) and he too plays like a rock star. He and the Bass Guitarist( Another shy hunk) have this wierd connection that only they can understand. They keep looking at each other and play mad tunes.Wow! I think I still have a crush on the Guitarist...maybe it's just because he's famous....Naaaah! I ain't that shallow.

My turn to play comes so Will and me go to the the stage....surprisingly...I'm not nervous or scared...but I'm not happy either so when I sing, you can tell that I'm not feeling the music...especially on my first song. But when I sing "Collide" the crowd goes wild and everybody is cheearing. Deno is taking a video of me perfoming and when I look at him, I blush for the camera...or maybe it was for him....you know...i think that was a very good performance in terms of..."i had no fear" but terrible because the crowd didn't feel me entirely. I bored them in the beginning.

Steve was happy, Eric pretended to be happy, Shaffie was there with his wife...Shinde was there, Sheila Mwanyigah was there, Who knows who else was there. Obviously I didn't do very well because no one has called me since then not even Eric. I plan to go see him tomorrow. Or at least go to the studio and find out what's cooking.

V bugs me alot. I don't believe he's good enough for me. I'm polite and tell my self to give him a chance, but then I do and I'm totally disappointed. So I think it best to just rule him out Mapema. I know he likes me, he does. Unfortunately, I don't like him the same way. I think...he's a very good writer but I also think that he's unconciously trying to destroy and derail me. That's the end of that chapter. I'm done with him. Now, how to tell him!

Okay, I'm all burnt out. Think I'll rest now.
&Bondage&

Friday, August 24, 2007

I'M NOT SURE

so my life seems to be going quite okayly although good things take so long to come and are so hard to come by. i sang for KISS 100 FM and won 2000kshs. wow! my mom heard and called, my sister heard and called, my brother, well i called him first like i always do.everyone congratulated me. even my manager thought it was coooooool.

so eric, my manager, got me a gig at the Rezerous Bar and Restaurant in westlands and i pray to God, the Angels, Mary mother of God and Jesus to smoothen my voice and make me irresistable to any of the talent scouts that might be hanging out there that day. i pray to God that i will sing to the best of my ability and that the guitar they have there will not mess anything up for me. i hope it will be a good day.
i hope eric will be happy
i hope steve will be happy
i hope the reporters from Nairobi Star will be happy
i hope the crowd will be thoroughly entertained; i better not bore them to absenteism
i hope i will have a good time
i hope i will imagine them all in their underwear and forget any sort of stupid fear that may try to creep into my bones.
i sure hope the Virgin Mary will be by my side as i strum and sing.
i hope that i will find a good outfit to wear that day.
i hope that my voice will be smooth, melodious, high pitched (where necessary) and simply divine( it is after all my gift from God)
i hope that i shall inspire someone
i hope that mercy will be availabel and come with us and that she shall sing too or at least inspired to sing in the future.( very near future)
lastly i pray that i shall be decent and fufill the will of God, because he is the source of my strength, joy and happiness. his word is last and i aim to obey it.
& bondage &

Friday, January 12, 2007

The Passing Wind

New year, new things. Or so I thought. I thought that as I grew older, I would also grow smarter and wiser and not make the same silly mistakes I had made the year before and years before that. I was wrong!

Many times we fall into traps that we thought we would be perceptive enough of, smart enough to evade. We even brag to other people about how strong we are and ridicule those who fell. Now the tables have turned and I............I am the one that fell. I fell so badly, so badly that I'm still trying to figure out if I can be fixed. If I can pick myself up and carry on with my life. I worry so much nowadays. I am afraid of falling again and I am afraid that how far I have fallen is already too deep.

This could be the end of all my plans, the beginning of a nightmare, the end of my life and all the good things in it. Now that I have stepped into the shoes of those people I have so often ridiculed, I realize that one stupid mistake can ruin your whole life and the lives of the those you love, those who love you.

I no longer boast my strength. I have none. Whatever it is that protects us from the evil hands of misfortune has left me and I wander alone trying to protect myself;but I fail. Over and over again I fail and wonder what it is I am supposed to be doing. What it is I am living for in this world. Sometimes I wish that I could leave it, this world, painlessly, without suffering, without regret, without a longing to remain just a little longer.

I cry without tearing for my foolishness has nearly ruined me. The wiser I think I'm getting, the more I prove to myself that I am nothing more than a mindless prat. I am no wiser than I was as a newborn. I just know more and yet I cannot seem to use my knowledge to my advantage. I have gone against the very principles I thought were innate. It seems they were........................just like the passing wind. Here now......... gone a second later.

Bondage

Friday, November 03, 2006

What is it? What?

What is it? What?Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Yesterday.........Yesterday I’m walking from home to the bus stop and seeing as I’m studying to be a journalist, i start to study my surrounding and the people in them. It is 4:00 pm and I’m going to school while school children in uniform are coming home from school. Before i reach the bus stop i meet these four people, two are school children and the other two, well, one of them is definitely a teenager - i can tell from the acne on her facial skin and the silly way in which she giggles - the other might or not be a teenager, her face appears a little more mature, a little more hardened. These two older girls are each holding a child's hand; from that and the way they shepherded the children, I conclude that they are both maids, or as we like to call them in Kenya, "Aunties". This might seem like it took a long time to arrive at but it was a lightning speed mental calculation that took but a fraction, of a fraction, of a second. Just them I think to myself “I am so lucky not to be like them". This then leads to another train of thought. i think how lucky i am that i have a future..... and then it hits me and I wonder.....what future? For all I know, Life ends tomorrow, never or right now! I could live for a year, rich and seemingly happy and poor, miserable and regretful for the next fifty or so years. i could be perfectly healthy till my dying day or i could get cancer or diabetes or i could go blind or i could get smashed in a car accident, or i could fall down some stairs and be paralyzed or I could step on a pebble and just land the wrong way leaving me bedridden. it doesn't matter who i am, and only a little of what i do might actually matter. There seems to be no way to avoid certain happenings, happenings which someone decided to call fate. There seems to be a higher power that controls us and what happens to us no matter what precautions or measures we take. And then I begin to wonder why am I still alive? What keeps me going? Why do I do what I do? The Aunties had something to look forward to, to be thankful for. In spite of the entire negative potential our - their lives have, they still can afford to smile, laugh and make others laugh. There are so many questions i would have liked to ask them. Questions that i will ask YOU!

What drives, what inspires you, why and how?
who, what do you live for? Why do you think you are alive, is this aliveness for real or are we all in one conglomeration of a dream. Where who, what, how do you want to be? Where, who, what, how are you actually? Where, who. what, how do you think you are? Do you think you'll ever get to where you want to be, be who you want to be, how you want to be? What you want to be?

Is it worth it, what you're willing to do to get there? What is this aliveness, this world, this state we who are not dead are in? Can someone please tell me? Does anyone know for sure?

POOF!!!!!
Have you ever walked into a room and your eyes fallen on just the person that you wanted to see, your legs drawn towards that person? Have you had words in your mouth that you felt were meant for you to speak to that person and once spoken, felt that they were perfectly understood? And have you looked into that person's eyes and known for sure yours were meant for that person’s to look into. Have you ever held that ones hand and fitted in it like it were your own skin? Has there ever been a time when you were both in this perfect moment and it felt like an entire life-time and then with one snap of a finger................ it was all gone never to return? Well, what can I say?

IT'S GONE. Yes it happened but it's gone. So get used to it!
MOVE ON! Be the best you can be for and to someone who actually needs you!!!!!!

¯BONDAGE¯

Thursday, October 05, 2006

HIGHSCHOOL POETRY

I realize that life is short and that it's also the damn longest thing you ever do. I want my life to be for a reason. Maybe for someone, or something. Not something, definitely someone or several people. I'm not an extremely good speaker but sometimes i get inspired and in turn inspire others. I am however very comfortable singing my thoughts, my advice, my feelings to people its the way i communicate best. i hope this touches you who reads this. its a poem i wrote when i was fifteen and in high school to encourage myself to be patient with life and with the people in my life. It even got published in the Daily Nation Newspaper tow years later when I decided to give my self a chance to shine.Yup you got it right, i'm bragging. Here it goes:

Its Only One Night
But I Don't Feel So Bright
I’ll Be Leaving, But I'll Be Back Tomorrow
Keep Me In Your Mind And Maybe You Will Find
A Reason, Not To Lie In Sorrow

Seasons And Ages
They Keep Passing By
Through Valleys And Ranges
Let Your Spirit By Me Fly
And Though There Are Mountains
And Valleys To Go Through
Courage Flows Like A Fountain
Because Of You

I Bid You Farewell
In Your Heart I Dwell
So Long Now
But I Know We’ll Be Together
There’s No Need To Cry
Or Even Wonder Why
Why I’m Leaving
This Will All Be Over

Seasons And Ages
They Keep Passing By
Through Valleys And Ranges
Let Your Spirit By Me Fly
Don’t Let Illusions Ruin Your Peaceful Like
Don’t Succumb To Delusions
Till I’m Back In Your Life

♪ BONDAGE ♪